


The Thing She Loves The Most

by imgilmoregirl



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-16 10:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18689335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imgilmoregirl/pseuds/imgilmoregirl
Summary: Five years can change too many things, too many lifes and even though Natasha Romanoff thought she was the only one who wasn't going to be able to move on, the night she found out her best friend had become a murderer changed everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Nope I don't own Marvel, nor anything related to it, just the story.
> 
> Spoilers ahead, so read at your own risk. And, if you are a Romanogers fan who is very pissed off at Endgame, please let me know so I can write more.  
> Enjoy it.

The period of five years meant different things to different people: happiness, destruction, despair, compromise. For most it was a difficult beginning, for others it seemed to be just a vast oblivion and for Natasha Romanoff, a great part of this time had meant sadness and guilt - only for being alive of course, whist many were gone - until one call changed the course of her day and eventually, the course of her life. It had happened exactly three years after the battle against Thanos, when Rhodes finally found out who was committing all those mysterious murders and she somehow ended-up at Steve Rogers' door, crying her heart out and babbling about how much she had failed everyone including her best friend, Clint Barton.

After that night, Natasha decided that it was time to follow with her life, for better or for worse and do something about the pain that was killing her inside. She had never thought that losing the Avengers would do this to her, but then she had also never realised how much they meant to her until they were gone. Feeling that much wasn't usual to her, she was a spy, she had a story of cruelties in her life that probably should have taught her to be stronger than that and yet, she wasn't. It was the main reason why she chose to move to the country side of England just a few days after learning what Clint had turned into, truth be told Natasha wanted to help him, but her friend had turned into a ghost who left no trail behind and as much as she tried, she could never get to track him in time. Whenever she got a clue to follow, he was already gone. Just like everyone else.

So now, this is the brief tale of a spy who had a bigger heart than people judged and who lived the uncertainty of the future, the challenges of the destiny and, mainly who loved and lost just to learn that in the end you will do anything to protect the thing you love the most.

* * *

 

It was April when Steve Rogers found the letter under the desk. He had been there a million times since she was gone and for some reason he hadn't noticed it until then, maybe because he had never missed her so deeply that he decided to pick up her ballet shoes, left behind in her hurry to leave. The envelope was blue, her handwriting black and elegant, just like her, but none of the words written inside served to soothe his aching heart. All the people he loved had disappeared and she just decided to go away without saying a word when they needed each other the most? Steve couldn't understand it, but then he had never fully understood Natasha, he only knew that he cared about her like no one else in the world.

What was written behind the envelope, however was something that he not only could, but did use. An information, an address, long forgotten along with all the dust. It had taken him across the ocean through a long flight and some more hours of driving, but for someone who just needed a friendly talk, a good old teasing and an exchange of painful smiles, it was all worth it. Steven, however, couldn't say it was the kind of place he had ever imagined Natasha living in, it was too quiet and too small for such a dynamic woman like her and yet, once he reached the cottage he knew she was there.

The air had her perfume, the curtains were dark as she would have liked and the door was painted in a beautiful shade of grey, which made him smile as he lifted a nervous hand up to knock twice before hearing her speaking for the very first time in almost two years. Steve couldn't understand what she said, but it was her voice, he would recognize it anywhere. Then came the steps, the sound of the door being unlocked and suddenly she was standing right in front of him: hair half-red half-blonde, cerulean cardigan, sweatpants and black socks, the perfect image of a very angry version of Heaven.

"What are you doing here?"

The voice was shaky, teary and impossibly rude all at the same. Without knowing what to say at first, Steve pulled her letter out of his jacket's pocket and Natasha gasped.

"May I come in?"

She looked around, once, twice, a bit neurologically which seemed weird to him, but all Steve wanted was an explanation and maybe a good talk over a couple of tea cups and sandwiches, so he didn't mind it at all. He stepped inside the house, noticing how homely and totally unlike her it seemed from there, the cosy living room bringing him a kind of warmth to his heart that he didn't know where could be coming from. Natasha in the other hand, was looking very cautious and cold, she went straight to the couch and took a seat, resting her feet on the coffee table as she stared openly at him.

"I've only found the letter a few days ago," Steve justified himself. "You almost killed me of concern, Nat. Why did you go away?"

She looked down, taking a deep breath and clearly avoiding his glare.

"Everything was so confuse, so painful... I couldn't take it anymore," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

When Natasha looked up, Steve could see the trail her tears had done in her cheeks glowing in the lights. She was silent, but not peaceful and it was enough to make him move towards her, taking a seat on the tiny table and covering her cold hands with his.

"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about. I do understand you, Nat, I just wish you could have talked to me. That's all."

There was a sniffle and she pulled her hands away from his, looking up at the ceiling as she allowed her more tears to fall down. She was broken, he could see, probably more than anyone else. Natasha opened her mouth to say something, but a loud wail interrupted her, making her head turn as she jumped from the couch, rushing in the hallway's direction and disappearing through a door, leaving Steve to his shock at the noise. He was trying to make sense of it, telling his brain that it got the wrong information when she came back holding a child and his heart lost its pace.

Steve blinked three times, but the image was still the same. He stood up, watching her in awe, wanting to ask away everything that came to his mind, however he couldn't, not when he was seeing the sarcastic, sassy Natasha Romanoff soothing a toddler. She was whispering to him - because it was a boy, he could see - murmuring in Russian, and kissing his red hair as she stroked his back. The truth was being slapped in his face but yet for the ever intelligent Captain America, it wasn't clear at all.

"It is time for you to go home, Steve," Natasha said and her words suddenly broke his state of shock.

"Who is this?" He asked, pointing at the child in her arms, which made her stirr. "What? Are you going to tell me you've got a job as a nanny just for fun?"

"No," she answered louder than before, her voice sounding strong and decided. "I'm not a nanny, he is mine."

"Yours?"

The baby, who at this point had already stopped crying, turned around to see him, laying his small head in the crock of Natasha's neck. His eyes were blue, his mouth thin and pink as it sucked a thumb, a beautiful child indeed and one who certainly resembled her, but still he could remember those late night talks during the missions and the times Natasha had described what had been done to her and it made him certain that she was lying. The Black Widow couldn't have children.

"Yes, mine. Now go, Steve, you shouldn't have come here in first place."

"You left me a letter," he pointed out.

"Well, yeah, but it was before... Before I knew."

His face was contracted in a weird grimace as he tried to place all the puzzle pieces together, heart racing and mouth dry as his brain continued to work towards an answer. He took a step into her direction and Natasha took another back, covering the child's face with her hand, very gently.

"You can't have children, you've said it yourself."

"I know, but apparently there are exceptions," she murmured. "I now know I can conceive with people who have gone through those horrible processes. Just like us."

Then there it was. His breath got caught on his throat as things finally made sense and the images of Natasha naked in his arms whimpering in pleasure crossed his mind. Steve's eyes fell to the toddler she held and the redhead took her hand away from his face so he could take a better look, his pulse quickening when he recognized the nose and the ears he was seeing in the child's face as if he was looking at a mirror.

"What is his name?"

"James," Natasha answered. "Your son's name is James."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay it was my first try with Marvel, although I've been reading Romanogers fics for years now, but that is kind of my style of stories anyway, so I hope it was enjoyable for you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, everyone! You guys asked for more and I'm happy to bring a second chapter for you all.   
> More to come? Let me know what you think.

Waiting had never been a problem for a spy, investigations took months, years even. You needed patience to work on that business just as much as you needed to be a very calm and wise person, which Natasha Romanoff obviously was, just not when it came of her own emotions over some particular loved ones.

She had expected many reactions coming from Steve: anger, disbelief, hate, even sarcasm, but she didn’t think he would get as speechless as he did and the silence was like hell for her. The wait for his response made her tremble for the first time in months, he regret taking over her body in a way that her blood seemed to have been turned into ice. It was fear, she was sure, fear of what the future had in the cards for her now and which consequences her own actions would have and, mainly, fear of the loss. Natasha swallowed hard, looking down at James and hiding her face on his soft hair as she heard the first few steps coming and realised the moment she had been fearing for almost two years had arrived.

“My _son_?” The incredule gasp came as loud and furious as she feared. “What the real hell do you mean? Tell me this is just your black humour popping up in a bad moment.”

Realeasing a sharp breath she looked up at him again, now stading right in front of her with that cute frown between his eyebrows that he had passed on to James, but that now made her heart race. Natasha bit down her lip, holding her child closer to her chest, allowing his baby scent to bring her some calmness before she lifted her head higher, telling herself to not lose this battle to her stupid feelings towards that stupid man.

“How can’t you put two and two together?” She asked as angrily as him. “Is this some kind of denial state or anything like that or is it you who is playing with me?”

“Nat,” Steve started slowly. “For God’s sake stop it. I need an explanation for all of this.”

This time she shook her head, turning her back to him when she noticed that she had way too many tears being held on her eyes.

“I never thought I would need to explain this to you, Captain, as you have always seemed to know exactly what you were doing, but when a man and a woman...”

_“Natasha!”_

“Damn it, Steve! We slept together that night at your house and it only takes once to make a child, alright?” The Black Widow who very rarely were seeing shedding even a few tears was openly crying now, holding herself on the kitchen isle as James looked at her without knowing what was happening or why his mother was so sad. “It only takes once... And I’m sorry if it was with you.”

She found one of the chair she had left in between her small kitchen and her sweet living room and fell against it, feeling as if she couldn’t stand any other second in her feet. Her heart was broken, by the war, by that fucking wonderful night, by her own mistakes and, of course, by Steve Rogers, because she would have come back to him the second she found out she was pregnant, had she known that he loved her. Natasha never planned feeling what she did for Steve, he was one of her best friends in first placem however not only their night of passion, but all they had been through together had made that friendship become something it shouldn’t.

Right from the start, she knew it wasn’t going to have a happy ending, she had been taught, many years ago, that those little attachments are the ones that weaken you the most, but yet she couldn’t help herself and now she was faded to look at Steve’s face and see his anger and the bad judgment he made of her at the moment.

“This isn’t fair,” he started, coldly. “If he is mine, then why did you keep him from me? Did you think I needed some kind of punishment? Wasn’t it enough what we suffered with this damned war?”

“You don’t understand...”

“No, I don’t” Steve yelled. “Why did you do this to me, Nat?”

“Because your whole life...” Natasha screamed back, jumping up to her feet in a swift movement no one could have predicted. “Everything you are, is dedicated to hunting ghosts and unlike you I do care about the living ones, Steve.”

They weren’t even done when James started to wail again. He wasn’t used to all this fuss, ever since he was born it had been just him and Nat wrapped safely in the perfect silence of their house and all these screams made his ears hurt too bad, so he cling to his mother’s shirt and hid himself in the warmth of her skin, crying as loudly as the grownups were arguing.

Natasha tried to shush him, but this time James was being a lot more stubborn than when he woke up to their earlier conversation. She forgot all about Steve and laid him on her arms, letting the baby’s head rest on her breast to bring him the calmness he needed, but not even that made James stop crying. That was when she noticed the shadow above them and the stretched hands waiting for na answer.

“Let me hold him,” Steve asked, carefully.

“No,” was her immediate answer, her deepest instincts talking before her min dor heart could.

“You’ve taken him away from me, for who knows how many months now and I can’t even hold my own son? I thought you and I were better than this. We promised we would never let anything change what we had.”

She wanted to tell him that the friendship he was reffering to was long dead, but in part he was right. Natasha had made a mistake when she kept him from being James’ father and being there for him right from the start and she would never be able to make up for this, so she certainly couldn’t keep being this selfish, which was why she slowly handed the child to him, feeling her heart stop at the sight of the man she loved holding their son.

Steve brought him close to his own heart and the biggest smile she had ever seen took his lips. He looked down at James, completely wonderfied, tapping him bottom a few times as he whispered nonsense and kissed the boy’s red cheeks, tickling him with his nose and slowly making him stop crying.

“Oh, hello, James,” Steve murmured to the child. “I don’t think you know it, but I’m your father and I’m going to take care of you from now on. We are going to have fun, huh?”

Even without wanting to do it, Natasha was smiling. Steve was looking like a child holding a new toy, except that it was more, it meant more and felt like a thousand planets aligning to finally bring peace to the universe. James was giggling his small hand grabbing at his father’s beard, at his nose, at his jacket... Everything was new for him, a great sensorial experience, but also the moment where a bound was being formed, one that nothing would ever be able to destroy, a promise from a father to his son.

“How old is he?”

“He turned one last week,” Natasha answered. “He can walk, get himself in trouble and he is starting to try speaking a few things, but he hasn’t made his babbling into a single word yet.”

“Good,” Steve nodded. “I think I will need to find a hotel near so I can get to know my son better and you and I can get to have a civil conversation.”

Natasha agreed with a wave of her head. There was too much to be said and done, she knew Steve wasn’t going to forget anything she said and that she would have to explain herself, either she liked it or not, because in the end he was right, they were better than snapping at each other like before. They were a team, a family of sorts.

“There is no need to look after a hotel,” she said. “You get the couch, you’ll buy some pizza.”

Another handsome smile and then so simply, Natasha Romanoff knew she was screwed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am back again because I couldn't help myself. I have more planned and hope this one will please you.

There were countless moments in which Steve Rogers had considered himself a lucky man. He was a soldier, a hero and surviving was one of his best qualities, although sometimes at the end of some battles it didn't really seem such a good thing at all. After half of the universe vanished, Steve thought he would never be able to feel complete again, because in all his life the time he had reached closely to a fulfillment was when he joined the Avengers. There he found friends to care for, a job he loved and something really worth fighting for, however it was only when Natasha Romanoff handed him his perfect little son that he finally felt as is his life had a true meaning.

Holding James was like having the weight of the whole wide world on his hands, it was like happiness exploding inside his chest in such a powerful way that he couldn't quite explain. He had a child. All these years Steve had spent envying Tony and Pepper for the lovely family they build with Morgan, he now had it and understood how truly beautiful it was. His son was innocent, pure, joyful and he couldn't contain the tears that came to his eyes whenever he thought that he and Nat had in fact made him.

Now his feelings towards Natasha herself were not so certain and wonderful as they were when it came to their child. Steve was angry, very angry. He had spent two years trying to track her, worried that something bad could have happened, that she could have been killed and, all the while he drowned in concern she was here, hidding, raising James without ever telling him that she had their baby. It was so unfair that Steve wanted to play the Hulk and smash something, but he obviously wasn't going to do it when he knew they needed to be civil, not only for the friendship they once had but for the son they now shared. No matter what Natasha's motivations were to do what she had done, he was going to try and understand it so they could be the best parents for James, however today wasn't going to be the day he would forget everything and go back to being friends. Today he would allow himself to be angry.

After James slept, Natasha went to her room to prepare everything for his night routine, which included waking him in half an hour, bathing him, giving him some milk and then trying to put him back to sleep. It seemed to be too much to do all alone, but Nat didn't want his help and Steve really needed time to breath and just think about everything, so he let her run around the house with towels and baby bottles as he dig his head on his hands and lamented not being there for his boy right from the start.

A part of him wondered how it could have been if Natasha had told him that she was pregnant. He would have been surprised, of course, but he wouldn't have turned her down, Steve was better than that and he hoped she knew it already. He would have liked to seen her pregnant, to feel their baby through her skin, to care for her as she deserved, because he knew how much that lost war had affected her and how emotional she could have become with all those hormones playing in her body. But she didn't give him a chance. Natasha made a decision on her own and she condemned herself to loneliness, as she did her whole life. If she chased after ghosts like she said, then Nat run away from them, not to say from the real living people.

He took a long time overthinking about it, trying to decide what to do next or how to act, but Steve came to no good solution. When the house finally dived in silence and he noticed that James was asleep again, he saw Natasha coming back to the living room with such a exhausted face he had never seen her wearing before, which was surprising because no much things could tire Black Widow that way.

"James doesn't like bedtime," she explained as she went to the kitchen to pull a huge pizza out of the oven. "Well, he used to, but I don't know what is going on with him lately. It's been hard to get him to sleep. He cries and cries and there is nothing I can do to cease it, so I just hold him and wait until he gets too tired to scream any more."

There was a tiny little smirk on her lips as she spoke of their son, as if even with all his trouble to sleep, she considered herself the luckiest person in the world to have the honor to be his mother. Steve knew that he felt lucky too to have such a sweet child like James, but he didn't get the same feeling as Natasha yet, not this endless blind love she appeared to feel for him. She knew their boy, but he didn't.

"Nat," Steve started, accepting the piece of pizza she was offering him. "Why?"

She understood what he wanted to know, it was clear on her face as she took a seat on the couch in front of him, placing her plate on her knees and picking a pepperoni that she didn't eat at first, only used as a distraction for her eyes, so she could have anything else to look at but not his eyes.

"I was scared, alright? I didn't know if the pregnancy would be successful or not, I was in shock too," Natasha told him. "I've slept with other men before, no condoms at all, but getting pregnant was never an option and it never happened so... I thought my body was going to reject the baby, that maybe I would have a miscarriage, but no, nothing happened and I started to love that little one and with love, as you now, comes the fear of the loss."

A pause. Natasha are her pepperoni, still avoiding his glare, but now seeming to be lost in her own memories, her eyes fixed in an invisible point as she sniffled before continuing.

"I'm sorry, Steve, I really am. I was selfish and I know it very well, but you must understand that James is the thing I love the most in this life and all I could think about was to protect him from anything, to allow him to live a good, normal life. The life we never had."

"But why not telling me, Nat? I could have helped, I would have loved him as much as you do," he said in such a sweet, gentle tone of voice that it couldn't quite be compared to the one he used during their argument, earlier. "I do love him already, but I could have been his father all this time."

She pressed her lips together, sliding her plate over to the coffee table and pulling her feet up to the couch as she hugged her own legs and looked up at him. Her green eyes were marked my the reddish swolleness of her tears, but it didn't make them any less impressive and remarkable as the first time Steve saw them, so many years ago.

"We promised to forget the night he was conceived, we said that it wouldn't change anything between us," she murmured. "A pregnancy would break those promises."

"Yeah, but don't you think that our son comes first?"

"Steve..." Natasha whispered closing her eyes briefly, appearing to be through such a pain inside that it crushed his heart. "You were dating Sharon Carter or whatever you call that, not to say that you still love Peggy... I can't compete with them. I don't compete with anyone for affection. I was just a one-night-stand and I get it, we are better off as friend, but I can't be in your list of unfinished business, ok?"

This time Steve blinked in awe, her words not quite making sense to his brain. He thought all of this was about James and their lost war against Thanos, he never considered Natasha involving Peggy and Sharon's name into this.

"Nat, come on, you're more than this, you know you're my best friend, my partner in crime. We are blessed to have a child together," he said with a smile. "Sleeping together was a mistake, but we've got the best out of it, huh?"

Then, all of the sudden, she stood up, eyes narrowed and a frown on her face.

"You're really the most pathetic man I know..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Steve! Oh, Nat! Just say the words!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after doing some duties related to my new ballet routine, I'm back with what I hope to be a happy chapter.  
> My thanks to everyone reading this, you guys are amazing

Talking about feelings wasn't exactly easy for anyone in the world and when it came to Natasha Romanoff it was twice as hard. Her experiences and her upbring had taught her to never express herself, which was why she couldn't just be direct. Natasha was only discovering how to give herself a change to love truly and deeply now that she was a mother, because she found out that it was the kind of feeling that overwhelmed it so much you couldn't help to dive in and it was being incredible to her to love James and care for him as for no one else in the world. But when it came to his father, things were a lot more complicated.

There was an annoying knock on the door that Natasha was trying her hardest to ignore. She had always known that Steve was a persistent man, she had liked his persistence before, but now it only irritated her. Many times before, Natasha had wondered what she would tell him when they eventually met again, she imagined he would take on the conversation even when she wasn't ready to continue because that was what he usually did, however when it came about relationships Steve seemed to be brain damaged. Natasha really wanted to put her love for him in words, to tell him how much their night of passion had meant to her and how happy she was that he was her son's father, but she had many demons to defeat until she could get there.

"Nat," came Steve's voice through the door. "Nat, please, talk to me. If not for yourself then for James, he deserves to have parents that can get along."

A long deep breath came from her as she paced around the room trying to keep herself from shouting some bad words at him.

"Go to sleep and leave me alone," she answered in a pleading voice. "I know what is better for my son and right know it is not being awake by his stupid father who doesn't know babies have a very light sleep."

A moment of silence followed and Natasha closed her eyes in relief, feeling some of the tears that she had been holding for too long slid down her cheeks, but then she heard a loud noise and looked back at her door, seeing that it was know open and her lock was broken.

"You don't just broke into my room," Natasha said in disbelief, narrowed eyes focused on Steve's face.

"You weren't going to open the door."

"Well, obviously, I want to be alone, can't you simply respect it?"

He hesitated, she saw it on his face, the way his jaw tensed at the possibility of being disrespectful with her immediately bothering him. That was who he was, the Captain America through and through, always willing to do the right thing, always caring for everyone, but to naively for her taste. However, this time he only closed the door with gentleness before walking back to her and placing both his hands on her shoulders as he smiled affectionately to her.

"Nat, I know you have always been like this, a thousand walls covering your soul, but you also have always being sincere with me, so why can't you do this now?"

Natasha shook her head, trying to get away from his grip but Steve only slid down his hand from her arm to her waist, keeping her from running and making the Black Widow lose her air. If she closed her eyes she could remember exactly how it felt when he did it to her two years ago right before capturing her lips and wrapping her legs around his hips.

"I've been sincere, you know, but you'll never be able to understand what I meant," Natasha whispered. "Now I suggest you please take your hands off me and go to sleep, because otherwise you will be hurting me more than it is needed and I can't have my heart broken again, Steve."

"What?" He blinked, looking down at her a little bit more attentively, trying to take something from her expression. "Did I break your heart? When?"

This time, Natasha pushed him away and walked back to the wall where she could have a safe distance from him. The lights were switched off and Natasha was happy that at least she had the darkness at her favour so she wouldn't have Steve to notice the pain in her eyes. She had been through too much during the last five years.

"When, Nat? Please, answer to me!"

"I didn't say you broke my heart, jerk," Natasha almost yelled back, keeping her voice just low enough not to wake James up again. "My heart was broken when we lost, then when I lost Clint and... After we slept together."

Steve's brow contracted on a frown as he took a blink step towards her. She hated his confusion, she hated that she couldn't be clear enough, and she hated what fate had in the cards for them.

"Why?" Steve asked. "I thought it was good and it was what we needed back then."

"It was," Natasha confirmed. "Damn, Steve, it was amazing and I was really happy to find some safety in your arms, but it ended and I realized you can only see me as a friend, nothing else. In the end I could have fucked any idiot at any bar and it would have been the same. I'm never the one for anyone, not even you."

This time he blinked, tilting his head a bit before shaking it and lifting a hand to place it on her cheek - even insisting and getting a hold of her chin when Natasha slapped it with an angry glare. He laughed and she wanted to kill him for his audacity, however, Steve bent down to brush his lips on her forehead and Natasha felt her heart race madly.

"You know what, Nat? I've spent two years wondering if I had ruined everything between us in that night, if I had been so bad in bed that you never wanted to see me again," he laughed, playing with her hair in that sparkly look on his eyes, eyes that had seen so much history that she couldn't even imagine. "I have always cared about you, from day one, but you slowly became my home, don't you understand? You're the one, Nat, you have always been."

"What?"

"I love you too," Steve said. "I can't be any more specific."

It could have been a thunder what Natasha heard, but after a brief second she realized that it was her heart exploding with the kind of joy she had only felt when she first set eyes on James the day he was born. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came and she found out that in the end they didn't need to, because Steve's lips were on hers the next moment and she was lost in his kiss, the only answer for any question her mind could have. The love she had been waiting for.


End file.
